Home » Health and wellness » Facing reality.

Facing reality.

It has taken me a full week of indecision, of toying with ‘should I compose a post or shouldn’t I?’ questions. How to word it? How to explain how I feel about my current situation? Should I just keep quiet and keep it to myself? As I’m am a great believer in the old saying, ‘A trouble shared is a trouble halved’ and although I don’t know most of you personally, I am also sure that putting it all down ‘on paper’ as it were, might help to clear my thoughts and my mind, so here goes.

You see, the last three sessions of Carboplatin  I have received have not worked. Not only that, the cancer is now spreading into my bones in my spine. I never do anything by halves, and this particular cancer is a swine. Serous Carcinoma. You can Google it if you want to know more about it. It’s quite rare and a sneaky little so and so, wandering around via your blood stream or lymph nodes into other areas, and is seemingly immune to anything you throw at it.  I was told the news last week by my Oncologist, and although I have insisted on trying another type of chemo before throwing in the towel in defeat, she also advised me that I really needed to sort out Kerri’s future.  We had a heart to heart chat about how it may ‘pan out’ and she warned me that although I might be feeling okay now, once my liver begins to pack up, my deterioration will be fairly swift. Not painful she assured me, but occurring rather quickly, hence the advice that I must sort out arrangements for Kerri’s future.

It is this aspect that fills me with dread. We have been inseparable she and I, for so long and the thoughts of her leaving to go and live somewhere else fills me with a sadness I cannot explain to anyone. I don’t fear dying, its something that we all have to face sooner or later, its a part of living and will occur to us all as sure as eggs are eggs, but the thought of seeing my sidekick leave, knowing I face it all on my own without her is almost too much to bear. Yet, I have to do it, I must know she is settled and happy somewhere before I leave. Truth be known, I’ve been putting it off for so long, I should have encouraged her to move to a shared house years ago but she didn’t want to go, and I secretly didn’t want her to go either. We’re never apart, so much so that people in town who know us both pass me by without recognising me if I’m by myself. It’s come to the point these last few years, as I have begun to have health problems, that I need her as much as she needs me. But I have to be strong and unselfish and think of her and her future needs, not mine.

In the meantime, if the Taxol I am to be given in the next few weeks, doesn’t begin to shrink the little blighter, I will then continue fighting by myself by keeping myself fit till I drop with exercise and walking, and by eating a cancer busting diet. I won’t give in until my last breath, its not in my nature to do so. I shall also keep smiling and making the best of each day as it comes, although without my trusty sidekick that will be more difficult to do.

I will also keep blogging as long as I feel up to it, and as long as I feel the subject matter is interesting enough to write about.


10 thoughts on “Facing reality.

  1. How do you do it? I can’t imagine the energy it must take to get up in the morning to face all that you have to at the moment.

    I am in awe. And I am humbled by your post. You are an amazing woman.

    Thank you for sharing this personal story.

  2. Dear TG, my heart goes out to you as you make this difficult decision and I only hope that you will be close enough to each other to still get the emotional support that you’ll both need. I truly admire your spirit as you tackle the up-coming changes, and hope that you will receive lots of TLC from those near and dear as well as all your hundreds of cyber friends. I’m sending you a BIG HUG!!

  3. In a way I know how you feel, I am dreading the day I am no longer here for Sarah and for her own good she needs to be more independant, Sarah wont live in a shared house she wants to always be with us but I guess in the future I am going to have to be strict with her and in a way force her. I wish I could win those millions to enable me to buy a house where Kerri, Sarah and a few other girls with Downs Syndrome can live and be happy. How is Kerri feeling at this difficult time, my door is always open for a cuppa and a chat Sandra

  4. Dear TG, I had such a mixture of emotions when I read your post. I also am completely in awe of your strength, many people would have just given in, if there is any justice in this world you wiould come through this through sheer spirit. I can well understand the difficulties and heartache that you are feeling with regards to your lovely daughter, and the very hard decision that you are having to make., it must be a comfort to you to know that you have given her such lovely memories with all the fantastic trips. That you have had together. My heart goes out to you both, I only wish that I had the words to help you, but I want you to know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you a big hug and one for Kerri x

  5. TG – damn, that’s hard. It is typical of you that your focus of concern is for Kerri, rather than for yourself. I have no idea on how you are going to cut this Gordian knot, but I know that you will do your utmost for Kerri. Just don’t forget yourself in the final equation. As we say in Dutch: “Sterkte!” – literally “Courage”, but it also has something of the French “Courage, mes amis!” about it.

  6. Thanks all of you for your kind thoughts and comments during my fight with cancer. Its going to mean I muster all of my willpower and fighting spirit to get through the next few months of sorting out Kerri’s future and keeping up the fight.

  7. Dear TG, first let me apologise for not replying sooner, your post somehow slipped down the ladder, and as I was deleting stuff came across it, My heart goes out to you and Kerri, what a dreadful predicament to be in, it must be your most dreaded nightmare and a decision that seems almost impossible to resolve. Hopefully your strong character will help you thorough this, I like others on here feel so helpless , but we are all thinking of you and wiling you to fight for as long as you can, and hopefully something will come up to help Kerri and let you face the future with peace.

    • I am dreading facing up to it Arlene. I know it has to be sorted out, but at the same time, its almost like admitting that your time is up, and facing the end of my life without her is going to be so hard.

  8. You are a salutary lesson in selflessness, Sandra. I have let myself get bogged down on the no through road of someone else’s dementia, and I realise now that my lot is very trivial.
    You and lovely Kerri deserve a happy ending, followed by a bright future for her with people who will appreciate her talents and help her to exploit them.
    I’m following you xx

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