Facing reality.

It has taken me a full week of indecision, of toying with ‘should I compose a post or shouldn’t I?’ questions. How to word it? How to explain how I feel about my current situation? Should I just keep quiet and keep it to myself? As I’m am a great believer in the old saying, ‘A trouble shared is a trouble halved’ and although I don’t know most of you personally, I am also sure that putting it all down ‘on paper’ as it were, might help to clear my thoughts and my mind, so here goes.

You see, the last three sessions of Carboplatin  I have received have not worked. Not only that, the cancer is now spreading into my bones in my spine. I never do anything by halves, and this particular cancer is a swine. Serous Carcinoma. You can Google it if you want to know more about it. It’s quite rare and a sneaky little so and so, wandering around via your blood stream or lymph nodes into other areas, and is seemingly immune to anything you throw at it.  I was told the news last week by my Oncologist, and although I have insisted on trying another type of chemo before throwing in the towel in defeat, she also advised me that I really needed to sort out Kerri’s future.  We had a heart to heart chat about how it may ‘pan out’ and she warned me that although I might be feeling okay now, once my liver begins to pack up, my deterioration will be fairly swift. Not painful she assured me, but occurring rather quickly, hence the advice that I must sort out arrangements for Kerri’s future.

It is this aspect that fills me with dread. We have been inseparable she and I, for so long and the thoughts of her leaving to go and live somewhere else fills me with a sadness I cannot explain to anyone. I don’t fear dying, its something that we all have to face sooner or later, its a part of living and will occur to us all as sure as eggs are eggs, but the thought of seeing my sidekick leave, knowing I face it all on my own without her is almost too much to bear. Yet, I have to do it, I must know she is settled and happy somewhere before I leave. Truth be known, I’ve been putting it off for so long, I should have encouraged her to move to a shared house years ago but she didn’t want to go, and I secretly didn’t want her to go either. We’re never apart, so much so that people in town who know us both pass me by without recognising me if I’m by myself. It’s come to the point these last few years, as I have begun to have health problems, that I need her as much as she needs me. But I have to be strong and unselfish and think of her and her future needs, not mine.

In the meantime, if the Taxol I am to be given in the next few weeks, doesn’t begin to shrink the little blighter, I will then continue fighting by myself by keeping myself fit till I drop with exercise and walking, and by eating a cancer busting diet. I won’t give in until my last breath, its not in my nature to do so. I shall also keep smiling and making the best of each day as it comes, although without my trusty sidekick that will be more difficult to do.

I will also keep blogging as long as I feel up to it, and as long as I feel the subject matter is interesting enough to write about.

Technogran

Another year over.

And for me, its been a very eventful one, where I have encountered many new experiences for the very first time. From journeying down a tube for an MRI scan, to having a major operation in a hospital I have never been in before, enduring chemotherapy and all that entails including making some new friends, ending with stabbing myself in the stomach daily with a needle following a blood clot and its been a very interesting year to say the least, and one that, although it had its moments, you will all understand I am sure when I say that I do not wish to repeat any of it again. During that time, my daughter has proved how resilient she really is, and also how she continues to demonstrate her ability to adapt to any situation no matter what.

I simply wouldn’t have coped with any of it without her by my side. She’s been my full time nurse, my companion, she’s been there to cheer me up during the darkest hours, and been strong enough to take the brunt of my moods when I’ve been down. Now I know why she was sent to me those thirty odd years ago when I asked him up there why, why me? when she was born, probably in exactly the same way as any parent does when the child they were expecting to receive hasn’t materialised, and they have received an entirely different child in its place.

And she is in her element when the tide is turned, when its her looking after me, calling the shots, being in charge and she is brilliant at it. I have always stated that had she not had learning difficulties or been saddled with the label ‘Down’s Syndrome’ that she would have gone into some kind of ‘caring’ role, as a nurse or some caring profession. Its in her nature to be caring, and she went above and beyond what many people  would have done whilst I was ill. She was ‘on duty’ twenty four seven at my side, and during that awful week that followed my return home after my operation, when (as it turned out) I had a septic infection, she became who she really is, a nurse nightingale, oblivious to her own needs and focusing only on mine.

TG

P.S  I’m sorry that I haven’t been blogging of late, but intend to return to my usual favourite pastime in the new year, when hopefully K and I can resume our gallivanting around the Yorkshire countryside on numerous adventures and quests, so back to normal! (I hope!)

The Last Chemo!

Yesterday was my very last session of chemo. As is usual for this Granny and  her sidekick, it didn’t pass without incident and I thought I’d do a blog post about it all. We arose early, showered, quick breakfast and then walked down to the bus stop at the bottom of the road because it was drizzling and our nearest stop does not have a shelter. So far, so good. The bus we were waiting for is supposed to arrive at 09.03am and then arrives at the hospital stop at roughly (depending on traffic) 09.45am, so plenty of time for our 10.00am appointment with the chemo chair.

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Hair today and gone tomorrow

Owing to the type of chemo I am receiving, I was warned at the beginning that I would loose all of my hair, in fact my consultant expressed surprise during my recent appointment with her, that I still had some left on my head as apparently you usually loose it all following the second session. I shall not be tempted to demonstrate my nearly bald pate with a photo on my blog, I am sure you’ll all understand why, so instead you’ll all have to make do with a cartoon impression of my current appearance.

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A birthday with a difference!

chair-14

 

I had a strange birthday yesterday. Spent having yet another new experience sat in a very comfortable chair, being stabbed with needles four times in total on the back of my hands resulting in some lovely blue bruises, (I shall be taken soon for an alien as I will no doubt end up blue all over) and receiving lot’s of different inputs ranging from Steroids, anti-sickness stuff to my two separate chemo’s. K sat diligently at my side, noseying as she always does at everything going on around her.

 

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