In light of the upcoming chaos and mania that will no doubt ensue as we all attempt to do our shopping during the last few weeks before Christmas, I thought it was about time I did a Rules of Supermarket Shopping post. Feel free to print it out and ask your local supermarket manager to consider enforcing it for the next two weeks or until some semblance of normality returns. Not only will this help to keep us all sane (and alive) but also hopefully avoid any lost tempers and screaming tantrums.
1. All shoppers on entering the Supermarket will keep to the left hand side at all times and especially when navigating any of the aisles. A white line will be drawn down the middle of every aisle to aid shoppers in keeping to this basic rule. Failure to keep to the left will result in instant ejection from the Supermarket by our resident bouncers and a shopping ban lasting until January the 1st.
2. All shoppers must keep moving at all times when travelling down any of the aisles. Any shopper caught standing still will be forcibly removed from the store by our resident Christmas bouncers. Excuses of ‘I couldn’t find what I wanted’, ‘I haven’t seen so and so for ages’ or ‘I felt faint’ will not be considered by the management as a valid excuse for loitering. This causes Trolley Jams!
3. Only one trolley per shopper. It is not permitted at this busy time of year for couples to take one trolley each. Shoppers will have to return at a later time if they need to purchase more shopping.
4. It is highly recommended by the management that all children be left at home during this busy shopping time but if this is not possible, they can be left with the Supermarket bouncers Staff in the car park where we have provided a tent full of cardboard boxes to keep them amused.
5. All shoppers on reaching the checkouts, must form an orderly queue in a straight line. Pushing and shoving will not be tolerated. Bouncers will be on hand to supervise and control the checkout queues.
6. Any shopper found jumping the checkout queue will be forcefully ejected from the supermarket and their shopping items confiscated immediately.
7. Anyone using the Wheelchair shoppers must also adhere to the left hand side rule above. No exceptions will be permitted.
8. Any shopper found deliberately ramming other shoppers with their trolley will be banned from using the supermarket for life. Cameras are employed in every aisle to check the conduct of shoppers.
Your full cooperation in adhering to the above rules over the busy Christmas period will be greatly appreciated. Wishing all shoppers a very merry Christmas! 
The Manager
Technogran's Tales 
Absolutely loved this TG, sooo funny, but also very sensible, wonder if any of the Supermarkets would take note !!
Print it out and hand to your local supermarket manager! Best done now before the big shop.
You forgot Rule 9
“The Last tin of Cranberries Belongs to Cassandra”
—this was a proclamation issued by Richard Plantagenet
(aka Richard the Lion-Heart) on September 4, 1189 (the day after his coronation, in case you forgot). I would tell you the penalty for defiance of this Royal Proclamation but children may be reading these posts.
You can have the tin, I’ll grab the packets!
no 4 is a must!! oh yes, definitely..!! and what a wise list…I’ll print it out and take to to my local Supermarket… and possibly be ejected forthwith, by a very large bouncer.
and I must remember the Stollen cake this year…forgot it last year, nearly caused havoc!! (No. I did want to steal it….it was Stollen… 😉 Apols..blame the snow!!) xPenx
So long as I remember to get the Twiglets this year I’ll be happy …… considering fitting very sharp blades to trolley wheels a la shopper formally known as Boadicea.
Wow DP that’s an absolutely brilliant idea! Now why didn’t I think of that? ( lack of brain power no doubt)
Where the heck do you live? Left side? Trolley? Tins? Oh my! And people “jump” the line in your neck of the woods? More horror. Your list is quite jolly, though.
Although horrifically crowded here in California during the holidays, most grocery stores are pretty tame places, or at least the ones I frequent. People behave fairly well. I do walk to a Safeway that has a few homeless people as customers, and they can be, shall we say, interesting. But even they don’t “jump” the line.
Wishing you well on your shopping trips.
Maybe your grocery stores are so huge that these problems don’t occur. We are a nation of queuers dkzody and therefore learn at a very early age to ‘queue jump’ The older members of the UK are the best queue jumpers in the world in fact they expect everyone to simply make way for them and defer to their presence as matter of course. Unfortunately for me, because of my dyed hair and not looking my age, I can’t get away with it. ( note to self, get walking stick, allow hair to revert to salt and pepper natural look and stoop for next shopping trip.)
Good one TG, on no 4 I would add that only one member per family, no wives with husbands and no husbands with wives.
Also, once you get to the checkout, you cannot under any circumstances, just nip out of queue for a forgotten item
Oh how I wish this was mandatory.
Some more rules added Arlene! It will soon be quite a list! Thanks for the comment.
This is brilliant! 😀
Every time I think about this list I chuckle to myself, that’s why I didn’t comment when I first read it, to many tears of laughter in my eyes
I am so glad that this post had the desired effect. The intention was to make my readers laugh about a situation that we all have to endure every year and which ends up being no laughing matter. 😦
“I’m dreaming of a White Christmas”???
Yup…we have that covered here
Good post TG made me LOL I to like no 4, the list is getting bigger.
I was also tempted to add that only one customer per trolley but then realized that would effect K and myself who tend to work (when we can that is) as a well oiled team. ( At this time of year you can use your imaginations about what type of oil)
I’m guessing that “trolley” is the term for what we Colonials tend to call “shopping carts”?
Correct Cassandra. We brits refer to them as trolleys (or shopping trolleys) simply because we are referring back to that well known phrase
‘Off your trolley’ meaning barking mad, which most of use will probably end up without these rules being enforced. 😉
Oh your rules are completely reasonable! I’d like to think that they are “common-sense,” but apparently not…
Unfortunately no Seth, they aren’t. It’ll be one mad free for all, although K and I are now discussing last minute tactics of
a) Getting up at 04.00am in the morning to shop when we hope that no one else will think of doing the same thing (although if the past is anything to go by, the whole of Yorkshire will no doubt come up with exactly the same plan)
b) Copying DP’s brilliant idea and converting a shopping trolley into a knife wielding lethal machine which will carve its way through the throng.
c) K sits in a wheelchair trolley (or I do, doesn’t matter who) and we simply hope for a sympathy ‘parting of the ways’ down all the aisles.
HaHaHa this post and comments get better by the minute ! Lets hope the snow dosn’t come back and stop us all having SuperMarket Fun !!!
Supermarket fun? Which supermarket do you use? Do tell Marjie and we’ll come right over and do our Christmas shop there! We usually end up in tears! 😉
Pingback: Your 2010 year in blogging | Technogran's Tales